On Not Going to DC

April 10, 2008 in Motivation
Tags: Motivation, sad, washington dc

It’s hard when you decide that you’re going to do something and then you end up not doing it. Really hard. I decided months and months ago that I was going to use my time over spring break to ride my bicycle down to Washington DC. It is now the Thursday of my supposed trip, and I’m still sitting on my ass in my apartment. This is not what I had envisioned.

I have a ton of stuff I need to do here – namely, applying for jobs. In reality, this is not work that should take more than a couple of hours. I have to write some cover letters and get them sent off. I’ve been saying for weeks that this is something that must be done, and I’ve never put the time together in order to make it happen. I’ve made choices in the past, like prioritizing the last training camp over job stuff, which had the net effect of putting my now interests over my delayed interest. It seems those choices are coming back to bite me in the ass. The problem with that kind of decision-making is that it can create a situation where you don’t do what you really want to do, but you also don’t get the opportunity to do the things that you need to do.

I have opportunities going forward, this is true. It may be possible to put together this trip for the summer time, in order to give myself some more time to plan and make sure that it’s all good before I leave. However, the question is still whether I’ve done something good for myself here and now, whether I can live wholesomely with my response to a difficult situation. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life skirting conflict or saying that I don’t want to do something in order to focus on “getting something done” or doing what’s expected of me – I’ve created a dearth of “me opportunities” that in their primarily self-serving aspect, enhance my character and make a happier person. Sometimes being happy means being selfish, and maybe sometimes that’s ok.

I’m waffling. I’ve wanted to go, I’m nervous, and so I’m calling it off, but now I want to go even more badly.

It’s too late in the day to go now – there’s too much potential for mishaps and getting lost from riding in the dark.

I really feel like I’m letting myself down.  Next time I try and do a trip like this, I need to plan it so that it works out and I’m not scrambling at the last minute to get things together. The route, the accommodations, these were things I should’ve thought about many weeks ago, and planned for, so that I didn’t have a situation like this.

I’ve been planning this trip for forever. It’s something that’s second only to my job and my Ironman, in terms of number of people I’ve talked to and how much of myself and my identity I’ve invested in the trip.

Like Randy Pausch says in his “last lecture” – brick walls are there for a reason: so we can prove how badly we want things. I could scale this wall right now and head out on the road with my bicycle. That’s the whole allure of this trip – that in just setting out, I’m putting the worries and concerns of my everyday life away, and getting in touch with my truer side.

I feel really bad.